Always Awkward

Sometimes I talk to myself. Well...okay, I talk to myself a lot. Don't hold it against me - I've heard it said that talking to oneself is a sign of intelligence, and it helps improve cognitive function. (Guess I can't play the insane card after all.) The other day though, I found myself thinking about where I fit in the big scheme of things, considering the age groups I relate to most. I said to myself, "I'm at that awkward age where... Wait... I've always been at that awkward age."

Growing up in the home school scene, I didn't socialize with large masses of kids my age. I had a few friends at church, and a few friends in our home schooling group, but I remember having a good portion of conversations with adults. I recall thinking I was probably strange because I sometimes enjoyed the company of adults more than kids my age. The adults didn't seem to mind - apparently I was mature enough to not be too big of a pain, although maybe some of that is just wishful thinking.

Since then though, I've constantly found myself seemingly in between stages. Too old to do such-and-such, but not old enough for such-and-such. Too young to do this certain thing, but too old for this other activity. Only recently have I begun socializing with people who are actually closer to my age than 15 years - and it's really quite fun!

I've always blamed that awkward feeling on my age. I've always just figured that less-than-comfortable feeling came from me being younger than most in the room, or older than most in the room. And to a certain extent, that's true. There is much to be said for hanging around folks in the same age bracket. But I wonder if there's more truth in the fact that I've felt awkward simply because I've been different than the other people I've hung out with. Different interests. Different standards. Different beliefs.

I'm grateful for the chance to finally be finding people I love to hang out with, but in all honesty, it has nothing to do with age. It's that we have similar interests or goals. Similar standards in life. Similar beliefs when it comes to being a Christian in this crazy world. And now...I feel the most awkward when I'm around people who simply don't "get" me. I'm realizing that it's not related to my age at all, but who I am.

I'll probably always feel awkward in this world, and that's okay. If I felt too comfortable, I might forget that it's not really my home, and that something better is waiting for me after this world is gone. At least now, I can quit blaming it on my age, and realize that if being "me" causes awkwardness, so be it. I'll just laugh about it later and...probably talk to myself about it, too. Since, well, you know, I like feeling intelligent that way.