Not So Sweet

Rebellious. That’s how I recall my mother describing me on more than one occasion since I was a child. Personally, I’d rather say I was/am “strong-willed.” It seems to have a little more positive ring to it at least. 

In reality, I do remember being a child that had frequent urges to do things my way, even if I couldn’t find a very good reason. Or sometimes my reason for doing things my way was simply because it was the opposite of everyone else – I didn’t want to follow the crowd or do what was popular. I wanted to be the different one. Once I made up my mind, it became the principle of the thing, and backing down was the worst kind of defeat.

I remember getting in much more trouble than my older brother, who tended to give in earlier to our parents’ authority in order to avoid extra punishment. Me? I became an expert at writing “I will not” sentences. Lots of them. Hundreds of them at a time. (Insert grimace here.) But, who knows? Maybe that’s why I ended up being a writer. Maybe somewhere down deep I enjoyed writing page after page of sentences. Well…I don’t remember actually enjoying those times, but the fact of the matter is, I had a hard time allowing my will to be bent. I liked doing things my way, and that was that. I still do. Although now, thankfully I have the wherewithal to 1) know when it’s appropriate or not to push the limits, and 2) I no longer have to write sentences or receive spankings.

As an adult, I’ve wondered about my strong-willed nature, and worried I may have caused my parents undo stress. It is interesting though - now grown, that very nature has helped me survive the rough patches in my life. I’ve come to realize that God gave me my rebelliousness for a reason. He knew I’d need my stubbornness to get through the tough times. He knew I would need to stick by my guns and refuse to give in to the easy route, or to bad advice.

Sometimes I don’t like my own personality. I think I ought to be more like so-and-so, or I think I’m not good enough for such-and-such. But I’m learning that I’m me for a reason. Special. Unique. And just the way God intended.


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